It was the day my heart was completely shattered.

A fear of never truly forgiving myself of something that wasn’t even partially my fault haunts me to this day.

It was Monday, March 2, 2009. The day started off pretty normal. My ex-husband, Joey, was making breakfast while I was preparing for the day. It was my first day back to work since maternity leave. So I was over the moon excited to go see the families I worked with in Niceville, Florida.

At that time, I was working as an Infant Mental Health specialist and I was in love with my career. An Infant Mental Health specialist offers emotional support to families who face immediate crises related to the care of their children. The specialist pays strict attention to the expressed concerns, e.g. the birth of a sick baby, the death of a child, the abandonment of a parent, the hospitalization of a baby. This was, without a doubt, my true calling.

So…back to that excruciating day. As I was getting all my files together and getting my developmental tools ready, I remember looking at Joey and saying, “What, What?! Samuel just slept the whole night through!! It’s a Christmas miracle! I can hardly believe it”…Yes, I remember it word for word.

So we laughed and giggled and after a bit longer I started to think it was a bit odd that Samuel was still asleep. This is the moment my life forever changed.

I walked into his nursery to honestly just check on him, and he was lying there lifeless in his crib. I picked him up. Put him on the floor. And started to attempt to breathe life back into him. I called for Joey. When Joey got to the room, he lost it. However, while I was performing CPR on Samuel, Joey was able to call 911, as well as my momma. It felt like hours I was lying over him trying to save him, but years later, I would find out it was merely minutes.

All of a sudden, two paramedics ran into the room and scooped Samuel up. I was pushed to the side and told to, “get out”. But, in that very moment I knew Samuel was no longer alive. I started screaming, “My baby, my baby. I want my baby. Please save my baby. I need my baby. Sir? Sir?”

The next few moments are kind of hazy. I remember my mom putting her arms around me while I was screaming. Tears were flowing while I screamed until I couldn’t scream anymore. My voice was now gone. I saw someone softly shut the nursery door as I was carried into the master bedroom. I was then told he was no longer alive. Samuel Cole Union was dead. My life would never be the same.

At that moment, I asked myself, “Am I the one that killed him? How could a mother kill her own child? And what do I do now cause I have no desire to live nor do I deserve to live anymore?”.

You see in weeks to come after my son died and I planned his funeral I tried to commit suicide. If I couldn’t be with Samuel, I had no reason to live. Well, I was not successful. I started therapy immediately. Over time I did learn I was not the one who killed Samuel. But, I’ve never fully accepted that. How did he really die? What caused him to die? Why did he die?

And how is it so damn easy to forgive others when I can’t even forgive myself?

I might never ever truly have all the answers until I am standing in front of our Lord and Savior. But, today, I am going to CHOOSE LIFE. Today I am going to CHOOSE JOY. Today I am going to CHOOSE LOVE AND LAUGHTER. And today I am CHOOSING my FAITH. Because I know all too well, we are NOT promised a tomorrow.

So if you need a shoulder to cry on, call me! If you need someone to listen, call me! If you need someone to just hug you, call me…because one of the greatest gifts of being a military family is I know people all over the world…so I WILL find someone for you. You ARE worth it and even more importantly…your children need you, momma. Forgiveness of oneself takes time. It’s the first step to loving you again.

On December 22nd last year, a tradition that I started at my son, Samuel’s funeral 12 years ago was carried on. It was so beautiful and unforgettable.
At my son’s funeral in 2009, I had 63 balloons released to the song “Amazing Grace” which represented the 63 days he was here on earth before leaving my arms to enter the gates of Heaven.
This past year, I released 12 beautiful blue balloons since Samuel would have been 12 years old.
It was breathtaking and divine. At one point, the blue balloons even formed the letter “S”. At that very moment, I dropped to my knees as my heart exploded wishing I could touch him. Hold him. Sing to him. Or even smell him.
While still on my knees in the soft white sand, I cried. I laughed. I asked the Lord a million questions. But, most importantly, my loved ones held me while I wept many tears, embraced me and showed me their infinite love while I shared his intense pregnancy and his birth story with them.

There’s never a timeline for grief. Everyone mourns differently. You don’t get over a loss but you will find a way to live through it. I have found purpose. I am stronger. I treasure life even more. Samuel’s legacy lives and is in my heart and divinely inspired life forever.

Let Go and Let God, my child.

Life is a precious gift and we are never promised tomorrow. I know this all too well with the death of my own son, Samuel.

Right after we moved to Florida, Jeff and I began waking up super early to go running/biking together before work. I find such great peace in that time…almost as much peace that I receive when watching the sunrise and sunset at the beach. We had been involved in some issues with the children and I was feeling angst big time.

But we’re movin’ and groovin’ biking and I just started weeping uncontrollably..And at THAT moment LOUD and CLEAR once again…a wave of peace fell over me. Let Go and Let God, Nicole. I even started putting out my arm like I was releasing all the confusion and pain and finally giving it to the Lord. Peace came over me.

After that event though even more craziness started happening…kids arguing, close to arguing with the hubs..AND please remember also I had not even told Jeff yet about the clarity I had received during our work-out. Yet in the middle of this new craziness, Jeff looked at me and said, “Babe. We need to just let go and let God”!!

Can you believe it?! He has no clue I had just envisioned those EXACT words just moments ago!!!

So we stopped. We grabbed all the children’s hands and we prayed. And we let go and let God!!

I’m not perfect. Actually I’m a hot mess at times like we all are..so an IN YOUR FACE reminder of needing to let go and let God was and is a MUST. I’m so grateful I had the humility to place a favorite tattoo of this on my arm so I can read it every day.

Keeping the Faith and Let Go and Let God.