A Former Secret Keeper

I remember when I became a really good secret keeper. I just didn’t want anyone to know what was going on behind closed doors. In my first marriage, I suffered as the victim of abuse-Emotional, Mental, and Psychological.

Honestly, I thought I deserved all the pain I was enduring at the time because back then I still believed I was the one that killed our 9 week old son, Samuel.
At first, it just started with my former husband raising his voice and calling me names. Then it became him not coming home at night and disappearing for days at a time. He also became so hooked on drugs and spending thousands on them that I could not even pay our rent or buy baby food and diapers. He began cheating. Then, he was stealing my medication for depression and anxiety and selling it. It just got worse and worse each day.

However, the absolute worse was the way he made me feel. I felt worthless. Ugly. Unwanted. Unloved. Broken. All by myself and hurting from the inside out. There were times I just didn’t want to live anymore.

I just continued to take the abuse until one day I walked in on him in our children’s bathroom and he had rolled up twenty and had placed “lines” of illegal drugs out on the bathroom counter and was snorting them while Lillian Grace, my two year old at the time, was in the bathtub watching him.
I was DONE!! Finished!! I no longer felt like neither me nor the children were safe.
I grabbed her up, got Coleman, and started to run…the police were called and all I wanted to do was hide. What if he found me? What would he do with me? With Lillian? With Coleman? And I was now pregnant with Harper too.
I still remember that day like it was yesterday. Fear running through me. Praising the Lord that my ex-husband was arrested THAT day for good this time.

He never returned to our home after that. I would not allow it. He was also required to stay away from us due to a restraining order. Later that week I filed for divorce and I was granted full custody of all three children.

You see I share this story to show you that you are important. You are NOT alone. You CAN do this. And I AM here for you.